learning from mistakes

Swift Lessons in Leadership through Lyrics: The Fine Line Between Honesty and Cruelty”

April 1, 2024 by Amber Leave a Comment

Listen. I fully appreciate the middle aged-ness of myself. Truly. However, this blog is about being TRANSPARENT as well, right? Not only am I a “seasoned” leader…I also might be have watched the “Eras” tour an OBNOXIOUS amount of times since it has come out.

It’s the perfect thing to have playing in the background while I cook, clean or… scroll. And if you know me, you know I’m not that great at cooking or cleaning. (I like to think it’s ok because at least I am cute and funny…but MT says I’m not that funny. Sigh.)

Anyhoo…I’ve noticed here lately that there are some powerful lyrics that keep getting stuck in my head from Ms. Swift. And the application from them to my leadership experiences just can’t be denied, even I wanted to pretend to not be all Swift’sessed. For those who associate her with pop sugar and bouncy are in for a treat.

First up…in “All Too Well”, we have this gem:

“And you call me up again just to break me like a promiseSo casually cruel in the name of being honestI’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here..”

Causally cruel. In the name of being honest.

We hear, frequently, that honesty and transparency in leadership is crucial. A necessary trait. Sometimes though, that honesty can be wielded like a sword. The person swinging that sword has the force field of being right, regardless of how deep it cuts.

Not seeing how it could apply?

I’ve written a lot about #thefirstyear, and all the things as a principal I’d gotten wrong and the adjustments I made thanks to the team around me. How though, did I know, how tragically terrible it was going?

I was on my way out to a meeting when I was pulled aside by members of my “team”. They asked me to sit in one of their offices, while the two of them broke the news. They had finally been compelled “in the name of being honest” to share information I needed to know.

The staff was unhappy. They were looking to leave. The scores and culture on the campus I’d been honored enough to be asked to lead was falling apart, because of me. Because of my leadership.

I was devastated.

But I was also confused. I managed to maintain composure and ask. Who? Who wanted to leave? What? What exactly had I done?

Well…they couldn’t tell me that. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

I vividly remember asking, “So what I am hearing is that I am a terrible principal…but you have nothing to offer in how I can get better? Or to change what I am doing?” They didn’t.

I can’t even articulate how devastating it is to not only hear that you’re a failure, but also that there wasn’t anything you could do about it. From people you thought were also on your “team”.

It was a pivotal moment in my principal’ing experience. If you’ve read this from ASCD, you know it didn’t get better right away. But, it did get better. It actually got a lot better before I left 6 years later.

I never forgot, however, how cutting that conversation was, even in all its rightness.

Telling someone they are terrible doesn’t help them get any better.

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What is the goal in “brutal honesty”? Does it set the receiver up to improve? Isn’t that the purpose of feedback? Surely it’s not just for the satisfaction of the person giving it?

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I used to tell my staff to always remember when talking to parents about a concern to always remember that the student you are so worked up over, for whatever reason, is most likely the most important thing in someone else’s world. If you go guns in blazing, no matter how right you are, you aren’t going to be heard.

You can be right all day long and lose every relationship you have.

So today’s lesson is this…worry less about being so honest, and care more about the relationship. YOu can, believe it or not, do both.

Swift singing &

Embracing Humility: Learning from Unexpected Sources

March 8, 2024 by Amber 1 Comment

When I talk about this space and what I share, I am always quick to mention that it is primarily a place where I share what I got wrong and my reflections on the experience in hopes that others could learn from it.

I’ve even blogged about my lack of experience in new professional settings…especially that first year, all the things I got wrong…or this gem from 2017 (lil’baby leader Amber!)

I was reminded this past week, even in all my glorious middle ageness that I STILL have so much to learn and how open I need to be to the possibility of just being…wrong. I had the opportunity to be the opening keynote for an Opal EdTech/EduAcademic event that was held in Orlando. Orlando…where I can get a DOLE WHIP? In.

Orlando is also where one George Couros lives. George often refers to himself as my big brother in this edtech/leadership space. 13 years ago we connected and it has been years of banter, fights, and political punches. I adore his family and he has been a huge cheerleader for my beast in her early education endeavors.

George is also the person (other than MT) whose feedback I am most sensitive/resistant to. I, of course, blame him because of his directness and lack of empathy when delivering any of his hot sports opinions on what I’ve shared or written.

So when he asked if he could come to hear me speak, I immediately said no.

I was ADAMANT that any feedback he was going to give me would be hypercritical and it would make me so self-conscious…why would I want to invite that panic into my head? George speaks to massive audiences ALL the time, literally, weekly…I do it 4-5 times a year. I didn’t want to hear how…not George…+ I was. Of course, I caved, and “allowed” him to come.

Thankfully, the evening went well and I didn’t fall down. 🙂

Ya’ll. His feedback was sincere, purposeful, and beneficial. The suggestions he provided, which were about what I could have further emphasized or made more impactful, proved to be incredibly helpful. The way he recommended connecting with the audience at the end will genuinely change how I close moving forward.

All that to say…man, was I wrong…AGAIN.

(which is just so annoying! That makes George right…again.)

What is the resistance to being better? How big is my ego that I can’t accept hearing what could potentially be true and helpful, just b/c I am scared of it being critical? How often do I miss an opportunity to be better… just because?

Why do I resist having confidence not in my knowledge, but in my ability to learn?

One of my purposes in education is to help others be more than they think they already are, and sometimes that means DIRECT FEEDBACK. And yet…am I willing? Do I come across as willing?

Such the hypocrite I can be…

George wrote a fantastic blog about the ability to soak up the greatness of those around you. Give it a read. Don’t be like me, be open to hearing how you could be better …even if it’s not delivered in a pretty complimentary package with a bow. 😉

I hope you have people in your life who challenge you, not for the sake of them being right, but for the sake of making you better. And may you always be willing to let them.